Just tired

Just gonna vent for a minute - I know my blog usually has fun stuff, but I'm tired. Having two kids this close is tough. Up till a couple of months, even weeks ago, they were still different enough I could keep them both busy with different activities for the most part. Now that Gus is getting older and more mobile (yet, I still want Gus to walk more than anything. Not only is he fat and heavy, he likes to follow Jacob out onto the gravel and concrete and it hurts his hands and knees. If he could walk, he could keep up with him better), they have the same interests and it's just hard to keep them both occupied without them fighting or having enough to go around. I'm just putting out little fires all day and while I'm pretty good at getting to them before they escalate into big fires, it's just exhausting. I really feel like I have twins. I like to think it'll be easier when at least one of them can communicate what he wants instead of trying to figure it out for both of them. For my birthday I told Bryan I just wanted one day where I didn't have to make decisions for them. He got to handle what they did, what they ate, what they needed - I didn't have to put the mental energy into it. While being a mom to toddlers isn't exactly brain surgery, it's exhausting mentally and physically. Sometimes Bryan will try to show me a quick video on the internet and I literally don't have the 30 seconds to concentrate. I didn't expect that to be a problem. It's been harder because they've both been sick and at the moment I need a nap, so this is a down moment, but it's just tough.

There's people who can handle having kids really close and people that need them more spaced out. I don't think either way is wrong. When I look at how other people spaced their kids and how they handle two kids that are 2 or 3 years apart, I've never really been jealous that they basically have a functioning kid and a toddler or baby.  I knew going into this it would be hard but I also knew we chose it and we'd have to handle it the best way possible. In a lot of ways I'm glad we had these guys so close together and I know I'm super, super, super lucky I didn't miscarry either one of them because of my complications. I'm also glad we figured out my complication before I had another one so we could really evaluate when was a good time to have another one. I think both for my body to be able to handle another healthy pregnancy, as well as my ability to not loose it every day because I'm exhausted, I'm so glad we didn't have another one in the last year. I know the Lord knew I could handle having these two so close, even when there's moments I know I'm not doing the right thing at that moment, He knows they'll be a blessing and a burden being so close, both to me and to each other, and He helped me realize pretty quick that having 3 close together would not be a good idea.

I know I'm not giving Gus the attention Jacob got, I know Jacob now isn't getting the attention he wants, I know they're both still babies and absolutely need that one on one time and it's evident when they don't get it. I keep thinking I need to fill up their "emotional bucket" and it's obvious when it's getting low. Just giving them 5 minutes of just me time makes a huge difference, but sometimes I just don't have those 5 minutes to give. Here's to hoping things will get just a little bit easier in the coming months - I'd take 5 to 10% easier. Now I need a nap.